5:45pm, Tuesday
Jul. 11th, 2023 05:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
huntingdogsIt's nearly the end of the school holidays, and I hung out with my dear friend today in the city. It wasn't originally planned as a hangout, but considering she asked if I wanted to meetup sometime during the holidays, I figured that it's a good scenario as I needed to run some errands in the city and essentially spend a good amount of money before Term 3 begins again. To say the least, it was good.
We went on the regular rounds to the shops that I normally visit whenever I go to the city, including Yoyoso, Daiso, a bookstore, and a manga store. Additionally, upon her request, we also visited another bookstore which was located in the fourth floor of a really high building. It was very cool, and antique.
I ended up purchasing a few items for journaling purposes (I bought a new binder for my fitness + wellbeing [F+WB] journal that I am initiating), a book (The Housekeeper and The Professor by Yoko Ogawa), Volume 9 of Haikyuu (adding onto my pre-existing collection), a gift for my aunt (a notebook and pen), and a coffee while at the manga store where my friend and I resided in for a while due to the irregular bouts of rain. The weather here is crazy.
Anyway, throughout the entire time, I talked a lot--I tend to re-fall into that habit whenever I'm with her, and I talked about the prospect of change and where I am in that liminal process of feeling change, but being far too close to the old me that only time can remedy. Remedy, I suppose, in the sense of shame, fear, and regret which is incredibly potent currently whenever I think of my life. It's simply far too near right now, but we must live--and it's something that I need to live with. I have the incentive for time to do its wonders; dampen these heavy-hearted emotions whenever I think of the things that I have done, the actions and decisions that I choose, now, to never do again. But it's hard--but it's necessary. I wouldn't have the wisdom I have today if it were not for those stupid decisions I made at the finish line of being fifteen, but I'm glad that I garnered responsibility to sunder myself from those habits at sixteen.
In retrospect, I had a relapse during the first month, I think--sometime during sixteen, but it was after that in which I decided to completely say, "No. I want something better for myself. I need to change." And so I did. And so I carry this burden, but I'm not allowing it to wholly define me, even if the thoughts are telling me so. This only means that there's still a lot of growing up to do. Growing out only comes with experiences, and experiences come with time. I told my friend that when I get to the point when I don't feel the heavy sorrow I feel right now and all I can do is laugh at every event that happened during the damning months of April, May, and June, that means I've truly grown out of fifteen. Only now do I truly feel sixteen. It's the middle of July, and I'm finally growing a little bit into being sixteen years old.
Aside from that theme of change, we also talked about a lot of other things such as high school, me expressing my shifting perspective of the world, and all of those fun things. I'm trying to not be as resentful as I used to be.
When I came home, I immediately did a 3km run on the treadmill at 8.6(?) speed, and 10 incline. It was rejuvenating. I listened to some Queen, OSTs, and MCR while doing so. I look forward to running tomorrow, and I'm kickstarting my F+WB journal--figuring out how I'm going to organise it, what set-ups I'll prefer, and etc. It's a good initiative.
Anyway, I'm glad I hung out with my friend today. We don't talk as often as we used to, but she's been a constant for the past two years of my life in some way or another, and 2021 feels so faraway, I'm finding comfort in the thought that someday, 2023, fifteen and sixteen, will feel all faraway, too.
We went on the regular rounds to the shops that I normally visit whenever I go to the city, including Yoyoso, Daiso, a bookstore, and a manga store. Additionally, upon her request, we also visited another bookstore which was located in the fourth floor of a really high building. It was very cool, and antique.
I ended up purchasing a few items for journaling purposes (I bought a new binder for my fitness + wellbeing [F+WB] journal that I am initiating), a book (The Housekeeper and The Professor by Yoko Ogawa), Volume 9 of Haikyuu (adding onto my pre-existing collection), a gift for my aunt (a notebook and pen), and a coffee while at the manga store where my friend and I resided in for a while due to the irregular bouts of rain. The weather here is crazy.
Anyway, throughout the entire time, I talked a lot--I tend to re-fall into that habit whenever I'm with her, and I talked about the prospect of change and where I am in that liminal process of feeling change, but being far too close to the old me that only time can remedy. Remedy, I suppose, in the sense of shame, fear, and regret which is incredibly potent currently whenever I think of my life. It's simply far too near right now, but we must live--and it's something that I need to live with. I have the incentive for time to do its wonders; dampen these heavy-hearted emotions whenever I think of the things that I have done, the actions and decisions that I choose, now, to never do again. But it's hard--but it's necessary. I wouldn't have the wisdom I have today if it were not for those stupid decisions I made at the finish line of being fifteen, but I'm glad that I garnered responsibility to sunder myself from those habits at sixteen.
In retrospect, I had a relapse during the first month, I think--sometime during sixteen, but it was after that in which I decided to completely say, "No. I want something better for myself. I need to change." And so I did. And so I carry this burden, but I'm not allowing it to wholly define me, even if the thoughts are telling me so. This only means that there's still a lot of growing up to do. Growing out only comes with experiences, and experiences come with time. I told my friend that when I get to the point when I don't feel the heavy sorrow I feel right now and all I can do is laugh at every event that happened during the damning months of April, May, and June, that means I've truly grown out of fifteen. Only now do I truly feel sixteen. It's the middle of July, and I'm finally growing a little bit into being sixteen years old.
Aside from that theme of change, we also talked about a lot of other things such as high school, me expressing my shifting perspective of the world, and all of those fun things. I'm trying to not be as resentful as I used to be.
When I came home, I immediately did a 3km run on the treadmill at 8.6(?) speed, and 10 incline. It was rejuvenating. I listened to some Queen, OSTs, and MCR while doing so. I look forward to running tomorrow, and I'm kickstarting my F+WB journal--figuring out how I'm going to organise it, what set-ups I'll prefer, and etc. It's a good initiative.
Anyway, I'm glad I hung out with my friend today. We don't talk as often as we used to, but she's been a constant for the past two years of my life in some way or another, and 2021 feels so faraway, I'm finding comfort in the thought that someday, 2023, fifteen and sixteen, will feel all faraway, too.
